A graduation of sorts
Sunday, June 28, 2009 @ 10:20 am Leave a Comment
I graduated from therapy last week. I’ve been seeing Gillian for a year, the longest period of time I’ve consistently gone to therapy, and when we sat down in her office at 2:00 on Wednesday afternoon, I was mulling over the possibility that I might be ready to be done.
But I wasn’t quite sure how one knows, so after I updated her on the job, the breakup, and the regular family stuff, I asked.
“How does someone know if they’re ready to stop coming to therapy?”
She answered, “when they don’t have enough stuff to talk about to fill up the whole hour. Annnnd, it’s only 2:32.”
My response was, “really? Hm.”
She gave me a minute to think about that, and then said, “when they don’t have enough stuff to fill up an hour… and when they get annoyed with people. And you’ve been annoyed with everyone for months.”
I had to laugh, because it’s true. I have been annoyed with everybody in my life for a good six months. But I thought this was just a character flaw, so I asked her how that makes someone ready to graduate from therapy. She said, “you’re annoyed with people because they’re used to you being a certain way. They’ve known you that way all your life. But you’re not that person anymore, and it’s annoying to you that they don’t see that.”
Which pretty much hits the nail on the head about how I feel.
She asked how I felt about being done, and I said, “I feel really proud. And a bit scared,” to which she replied, “you SHOULD feel proud, you’ve worked REALLY hard. And it can be a bit scary, but I always remind people that I’m JUST a phone call away.”
So I left before the end of my session, on the advice that I take the summer off, return in September if I need or want to, but that I’m not in crisis anymore and I can deal with the stuff that comes along… basically, I’ve got my shit together. I’M GOOD.
But while knowing that I’m good felt terrific, it also left me feeling slightly unsettled. That night I got to thinking about the notion of being annoyed with others for not recognizing that I’ve changed, and I came to some realizations about my relationships with the people who are important to me.
I know I disappointed L. I know I wasn’t anything like he expected me to be, because I’m not anything like the person I was last year, as he remembered me. This time, he probably just thought I was a terrible person. I know he thought I was cruel to him. But it’s really that I’m just a much stronger person today than I was when we were together last year, and I’m not afraid to say what I want and need and expect from my partner. I’m less willing to bend on the important things. So yes, I disappointed him, and I’m truly sorry that I did, and for my part in our breakup.
But I’m not at all sorry about being the person I am. I’m not at all sorry that I have incredibly high standards. I’m not sorry that I’m not what he wants. I can’t be, because to be sorry for that would mean being sorry for every ounce of hard work - literally blood, sweat and tears - that I’ve done over the twelve months, and I will never be sorry for that.
But while this last year has been difficult on me, I think it may have been even more difficult for some other people in my life. I’m sure that a lot of people are wondering at least a little bit what happened to the old Kate (I KNOW my family certainly is), and I’m sorry for upsetting the status quo, but I’m not sorry for the change in myself. Because for the first time in my life, I truly feel I have a voice now. I’m not afraid to speak my mind, and that’s not always an easy thing in this family.
I have one more apology to make, and that is to my lovely best friend, Amy. You all know that I adore Amy, have written many posts about how Amy is a much needed constant in my life and how I couldn’t get by without her. We talked about this briefly the other day, but I want to repeat here what I said to her, because I think it’s important.
I said, “I KNOW I haven’t been the best best friend over the last year and a bit. I know I haven’t always been there when you’ve needed me, because I’ve been so wrapped up in my own life. And it’s not fair because you’ve always been there for me. There have been times where I just haven’t had the energy to even TALK to other people because I’ve used all my energy on myself. And I don’t really care how that’s affected most people in my life, but I DO care how it’s affected you, and so I’m sorry… and grateful to you at the same time, for giving me the time and space.”
And you know what she said?
“I’ve been in your shoes before. So I understand (well not exactly, not the therapy part, but the wrapped up in me part). It wasn’t always easy, you know I have trouble sharing and talking to people, so when I was having problems, and you weren’t there it was harder than usual because I felt a little lost and had no one to talk to. But I knew and still know that for you to be the friend I need you to be and that you want to be for me, you needed to figure yourself out. I was never mad about it, just sometimes a little sad. So thank you.”
And that’s why she’s one of the people I’m NOT annoyed with, because even though it wasn’t easy on her, she understood that I couldn’t remain the person I was. She has rolled with the punches and adapted her expectations of me and our friendship based on where I was at a particular place in time. She has let me grow WITHIN our friendship. She not only accepted that I changed, she ENCOURAGED the change because she knew it was necessary for me.
Amy probably breathed a sigh of relief when I told her I had graduated from therapy, because maybe now things will remain the same for a while and I won’t confuse her with sometimes strange behaviour. But me, I breathed a sigh of relief when I told her I had graduated from therapy, because I realized it hadn’t been an easy year of being my friend and yet there she was, congratulating me and telling me how proud of me she is. And telling me to blog about it in a superior tone, because she said I’d earned the right to.
But it’s not superior that I want to come across as today, or ever. Therapy is hard, and it isn’t for everyone. It definitely is proud, of the fact that I’ve been able to make a lot of positive changes in my life, and that I get to claim all the credit for it, because I did all the hard work. But more than that, it’s humbled, that I’ve been lucky enough to do it with the unwavering support of a small group of people who believed in me enough to stand by me as I tried on a new me. And if I may say so, it was worth it. Because I’m stronger, happier, more settled, and more confident than I’ve ever been in my life.
I have smiled through an incredibly difficult upbringing, smiled through depression, smiled through all kinds of hard times.
Today, I’m just smiling.
Tags: amy, depression, L, therapy
Diary of an Unemployed Girl
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 @ 11:24 pm Leave a Comment
Let’s take a little look inside my BlackBerry calendar, shall we?
FRIDAY
Run 3.5 miles
Laundry
Farewell lunch at work
Dishes
Clean car
Babysitting interview
Movies
SATURDAY
Sleep in (i.e. until 9:30)
Go to the gym
Get groceries
Drive in the country after dinner
SUNDAY
Sleep in (see above)
Family lunch
Nap
Run 2 miles
MONDAY
Laundry
Dishes
Apply for jobs
Pick up car at mechanic (yay for new brakes that feel exactly the same as my old, non-existant ones!)
Go to the gym
Hang out with a friend and drink wine
TODAY
Go to the gym
Dishes
Laundry
Take coworker to appointment
Make “summer to-do” list
TOMORROW
Massage
Go to the gym
Laundry
Play with puppy so she doesn’t go mad
Therapy
Job interview
It’s rough, eh?
The highlight of all of this is obviously therapy; it’s been six weeks since I was there and we have a TON to catch up on. Six weeks ago I was both employed and in a relationship I thought would last forever. Today I am obviously neither of those things. Plus you all know how much I love therapy in general. My life is an endless supply of funny stories with which to entertain Gillian.
Details of the job to come after the interview!
Tags: fitness, FUNemployment, therapy
FUNemployment
Sunday, June 21, 2009 @ 10:43 pm Leave a Comment
My last day of work was Thursday. Well, technically it’s next Friday, but I’m taking my last week as vacation. This last week has been kind of a crapshoot - on Monday I took my car in for a simple belt replacement and discovered that my front brakes need to be replaced and the back ones need… something done to them, I don’t even remember what. Bottom line is, it’s going to cost over $500 to have them fixed, and, well, I’m unemployed. So, yay for that. I cried when the mechanic told me, I cried on my way back to work afterward, I cried AT work, I cried later when I told my dad, and then I cried again when my mother chose that night at dinner to lecture me about money, when over the last six months I have taken her ever so wise advice about handling my finances. Fun times over at our house, let me tell you!
That said, Friday, my first day of unemployment (or FUNemployment as I decided to call it after seeing it on someone else’s blog), went pretty well and was surprisingly productive. I was up by 8:30, ran 3.5 miles, did laundry, went to work for my goodbye lunch, did the dishes, unloaded my car of all the crap I brought home from my office, met with a family about some casual babysitting work, and saw a movie with a friend. Not bad, right?!
Knowing I’m out of work is a little worrying, but I’m fairly certain that I’ll get EI for at least 6-8 months, if not longer (I’m basing this on the web research I’ve done; I won’t know for sure until I get my record of employment and can actually apply). I’m applying for jobs left, right and centre, but let’s face it, it’s the suckiest time EVER to be doing this, so I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it will likely be a few months before I find anything. And I figure, if I HAVE to spend the summer tanning and going to the gym, it realllllly won’t be the end of the world. I’ll survive it if I HAVE to.
I should probably be more worried than I am, but that’s the way I am. Things have a way of always working out for me, and I’m confident they will this time too. I really enjoyed my job, and I’m sad to see it end, but I really am excited for whatever comes next. I like new adventures, and I have some ideas about how I’d like this next adventure to take shape. Whatever happens, though, I’m going to enjoy the time off! I’ve worked REALLY hard the last year and especially the last six months; I’ve probably earned a bit of a rest. Steady income would obviously be better and I’ll continue to look for new jobs every day because I prefer being busy, but I can also easily fill the day with errands, projects, workouts, and a little bit of tanning time here and there (if summer EVER actually comes to southwestern Ontario this year).
And before anyone says it, I knowwwwww I shouldn’t be talking about tanning when my last post was about my cancery arm. BUT - I figure I have until my Dr. Google diagnosis is confirmed next month to get some colour. Plus, everyone wants to look hot when they’re told they have cancer, right? No? Just me? Okay, then.
Tags: FUNemployment, the centre, the grey ghost
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