the opposite of classy

I didn’t write about Weight Watchers last week, because I gained 0.8 of a pound and it annoyed the living hell out of me, because I was really good about eating.  HOWEVER, I would like to point out for all of you reading who LOVE when I share personal details of my life, that it was period week AND I needed to poop before we went and I didn’t have time.  So, poop combined with the excess water weight from my period HAD to have added up to at least 0.8lb, right?  I hadn’t expected to lose any last week, but I also hadn’t expected to GAIN. Piece of crap body, look alive!

In any case, last weekend I didn’t eat very well, but Monday-Friday I have been SO RIDICULOUSLY GOOD it’s insane. Plus, I discovered group exercise classes at the gym.   Actually, I already knew they existed, so it’s more so that I discovered that I LOVE THEM.  On Tuesday I did two, last night I did another, and tonight I did one more.   That pretty much equates to me being awesome, in case you didn’t know.  Guys.  Seriously.  I did a Zumba class.  I deserve some kind of medal.  I mean, I couldn’t keep up with half the steps, but that’s not the point.  The point is that I worked out in a room full of women, and the workout was DANCING.  If you know me at all, you know I don’t dance.  I can’t. Seriously, it’s pathetic.  I have absolutely no coordination, no rhythm, no nothing.  So yes.  I do deserve some kind of award.

Of course, I’m never returning to that class, but again, not the point.

Speaking of poop, though, can we talk about that for a second?  I know I’ve mentioned it here before, but since I had surgery in 2007, I have had ca-razy stomach problems.  As in, for the first year and a half after surgery, I pooped like 6-10 times a day, and usually it was with, like, no warning.  Like, la la la OHMYGOD I HAVE TO POOP.  Fun fact.  And before surgery, I used to poop like once a week, no joke.  So that was a bit of an adjustment.  Immodium and I became good friends; in fact I used to joke that I took so much of it (sometimes up to 6 a day and I STILL wasn’t pooping like a normal human being) that the makers of Immodium should sponsor my life.  I could have been in a commercial for how it changed my life or whatever.

ANYWAY.  In the last few months, it had eased up a bit, but still wasn’t anywhere near normal.  Then I started on Weight Watchers, and the meeting leader was talking about Bran Buds and how awesome and filling they are.  My mom and I both picked up a box, and I started mixing it with yogurt and strawberries for my breakfast.  I eat 1/3 cup of Bran Buds every morning.

Do you see where this is going?

Internet, I know you will rejoice with me when I tell you that my pooping is the best its been since July 2007 before I had surgery.  Seriously.  I haven’t felt this good about my poop schedule in over two and a half years!!  Am I weird for referring to my poop schedule?  Everyone has one, right?  Like some people poop every morning without fail, some people poop every night at 9pm, some people poop like three to five times every day and if they miss one they think there’s something wrong with them – coughTHEACCOUNTANTcough.  Anyway, for the first time in a LONG time, I have a regular poop schedule!  I poop every day when I get home from work, around 4:30.  Aren’t you happy for me?!  It seriously makes me gleeful.  It’s so predictable, instead of that instant HOLYSHIT, BATHROOM NOW!

(And if any of you have had your gallbladders removed, I think you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Two years ago I gave my sister-in-law Immodium for Christmas and I think it’s safe to say it was her favourite gift that year.)

Anyway, all of this to tell you that weigh in is tomorrow morning, and, a) my period is done; b) I exercised my ass off this week; and c) there shouldn’t be a poop issue like last week…… which means that even though last weekend was a write off, I BETTER have lost like 25lbs this week.  Or 3-5lbs, whatever.  I’ll take either one.  My first small goal is 15lbs, and I’m at exactly 10 lost right now.  If I hit 15 this week or next I would basically be the happiest person on earth.  So cross your fingers for me, and check the Twitter feed in the left sidebar tomorrow for the update.  I’m going away to visit a friend for the weekend right after the meeting, but I’ll make sure to update then.

I will, however, refrain from updating you further about my poop schedule.  On Twitter, anyway.  This place is a free for all for poop talk.

Kids, it’s been 12 days since I had any pop.

Twelve days.

TWELVE DAYS!

I’m not sure if you realize what an accomplishment this is.  I feel like an alcoholic who hasn’t had a drink in 12 days.  I deserve some kind of coin.

Did I ever tell you guys the story of the time when I worked in the convenience store in my old building, and this guy came in and when he paid for his items, he pulled a handful of change out of his pocket, and I saw an interesting looking coin and said, “what kind of coin is that? Where is it from?” and he said, “oh, it’s not money… it’s from Alcoholics Anonymous. I’ve been sober for five years” and I felt like an insensitive moron?  No?  Oh, well, funny story.  He was really gracious about it, and didn’t seem to mind that I’d asked, so I got away without having to put my foot TOO far in my mouth.

Anyway.  All that to say I survived Diet Pepsi withdrawal, I now sleep through the night again, and I’ve drunk more water in the last 2 weeks than I probably had in the 2 months before that.  I really do deserve an award for this, I think.  Staying sober for 5 years… not drinking Diet Pepsi for 12 days… same difference, don’t you think?

While The Bachelor is on commercials (yes, I watch it religiously, stop judging me right this second!), I just thought I’d let you all know – with relief – that my sleeping is getting better, and I feel almost human again!

I’ll wait while you get excited and share my joy.

Of course, I say ALMOST human, because last night The Accountant snored alllll niiiiiiight loooooong, keeping me up most of the night, despite the Breathe Right strips we got, which, up until now have been working great.  Not so last night.

In any case, I think the caffeine withdrawal is almost done (thank the lord!), and if those little nose strips work tonight, I’m in for a good night!